Musings

I have a theory about people with kids. Everything they said they would never do, all the "I'll never let my kids do that..." and the "I'll never talk to my kids in that baby voice..." or the ever-classic "I'll never be one of those parents..." -they go down the drain. Slap a baby in the arms of college English professor, and suddenly you'd think you're talking to Lamb Chop.



I don't understand it, not even a little bit, but I've seen it happen so many times. There isn't a scientific name for this strange occurrence, but for our purposes we'll call it the "Baby Phenomenon".

Likely the most disturbing example of this phenomenon, is this little gem. Feast your eyes on the denim diaper.



Don't try to adjust your screen, my friends. That really is a diaper, and it really looks like a pair of jean shorts.

If you find yourself saying "This is the cutest thing I've ever seen!!", excuse me while I call the authorities for you. This is not cute! This is weird! First of all, I can excuse this on a little girl, it is mildly less awkward on a little girl. I don't know if you've noticed, but they look like baby daisy dukes. Put these on a little boy, and you've got a cross-dressing baby with a thing for Dukes of Hazzard.

Next thing, would you wear denim-patterned underwear as pants? C'mon, can't you just see the convenience of not having to wear pants to work because your underwear looks like blue jeans? I didn't think so. Let's take this a step further, what if they made Denim Depends? You know, the diapers for the elderly.

You: "Um, I don't know if you know this, but Grandma Moses is watering the plants...and she's not wearing any pants. The neighbors are staring."

Me: "No sweat, she's got on Denim Depends."

You: "Oh, thank goodness. Hey, have you been keeping up with the World Cup?"

No, I don't think so.

I don't have children, but I know even I am not immune to the Baby Phenomenon. I could be one of those parents one day, but if I ever start talking like Lamb Chop and dressing my kids in denim pull-ups, point me back in the right direction. Show me the light, and I will do the same for you. Together, we can beat the Baby Phenomenon.

-Elizabeth